Have you ever wanted something so bad that it hurts? Your thoughts are consumed with dreams, plans, or prayers to make it happen . . . but you have no control over the outcome. So how do you handle the heartbreak when your hopes are shattered instead of fulfilled?

A few years ago, I wrote an article titled “Dealing with Disappointment” about my struggle with infertility. Even after God gave us Connor through in-vitro fertilization, my longings continued for a second child. Bob and I pushed forward through many more rounds of fertility treatments, and I had a second pregnancy that ended in a miscarriage . . . but we never had another child.  I was devasated.

But here I am years later, and my heart is in a different place. One moment radically changed my interpretation of these events (and my entire relationship with God), so here's the rest of the story . . .

I couldn’t stand the feel of him

Even the smell of him

Both would linger on my skin

So I would shower after every encounter and crawl back inside myself to emotionally recover…

From my husband.

Unbeknownst to me, our marriage contract was the catalyst for me unconsciously turning JT into the scapegoat for all of the dark and perverted experiences of sex/intimacy I was exposed to in my childhood, and chose to expose myself to . . .

I could barely contain my excitement as I headed to a conference with some of my girlfriends. I was about to experience two of my favorite things - extended girl God time. As a mother and a career woman, undistracted time with friends and God were rare and precious gifts. For weeks I anticipated opening these gifts, knowing the process of driving to the conference would be just as enjoyable as the destination itself. In the past we would laugh and cut up in the car, or share our secrets and struggles (often shedding tears in the process), and other times we would worship together or pray for each other. Nothing brings me to life more than engaging in authentic relationship with others, where both people’s hearts are giving and receiving. Something beautiful, even spiritual, happens in this exchange . . .